AUSTIN, TEXAS. A faction of the dominant local primate known as "Republicans" has filed a legal petition to halt certification of the recent midterm selection results, on the grounds that the numbers must be extracted from paper by human eyes rather than mechanical sensors. The practical consequence is that the announcement of who won will be delayed until the paper has been sufficiently stared at by untrained volunteers. The machines currently perform this reading in a fraction of a local day. The proposed replacement is tired humans, performing the same reading over several consecutive weeks.
The underlying theory appears to be that the truth of a number is directly proportional to the ocular strain required to retrieve it. Carried to its logical conclusion, the most truthful number in the county would be the one that made somebody cry. Under this doctrine, effort is not the cost of the count. Effort is the count.
"The machine is a black box," explained Marjorie Tallman, a Precinct Judge overseeing the petition. "The human is a grey box that sighs and drinks coffee. We trust the sigh." Asked whether the human eye makes more errors than the sensor, she agreed enthusiastically, noting that the errors make the final number feel more earned. "We could have the number today," she added, serenely. "But then it would be the machine's number."
Our observation post was a folding table in the County Elections Office. At minute nine, the queue of certified observers produced its fourth apology. At minute 14, the head counter paused for the session's first nasal event. At minute 30, the queue of observers waiting to watch the counting formed a secondary queue, a waiting list for the waiting list, which by minute 41 had developed its own morale. By minute 55, the team had verified 40 ballots, sustained one paper cut (logged as progress), and consumed 11 units of hot bean water.
"If we count it by hand, we can see it happening," said Dale Hunnicutt, a volunteer ballot examiner. "If a machine does it, it's just a rumor with a spreadsheet." He confirmed that the team already knows what the number will be. "Knowing it isn't the same as witnessing it," he said, refilling his fourth unit of hot bean water. "Witnessing is the job."
The count continues. It is expected to confirm, after several weeks, the same number the machines produced in the first hour. The locals know this. They insist the exercise is not a waste of time but a ritual sacrifice of time to the god of Verification. The number will be the same. The staring is the point.
